Tonight was hard, and I want to be honest about it.
I started the fight. I was hurting about marriage — that quiet, constant ache — and instead of saying that out loud, I went on Facebook and looked up friends’ lives and made a comment about how she’s happy because she has a family and a house. It was small of me. I was reaching for something to throw because I didn’t know what to do with the hurt sitting in my chest.
And then later in the fight I said the worst thing I’ve said in a while — that someone would put a ring on my finger fast if I left, but no one would put up with his bs. I meant to wound him. I did. I’m not proud of it. I’ll apologize for it cleanly when the dust settles, without conditions.
But I can’t pretend the rest of it isn’t real either. I am so tired. I’m tired of waiting for the unknown thing that will make him ready to marry me. I’m tired of every time I mess up becoming another reason, another reminder, that he doesn’t want this. Like I’m auditioning indefinitely for a role he keeps moving further away. Like being human costs me.
Earlier today I asked him if he liked my hair. He ignored me. I asked again. He said he liked my boobs. I asked again. He said he hadn’t noticed. I had to keep asking until he finally answered me. Something that small shouldn’t take three rounds to get a response to. That has to be intentional — or if it isn’t intentional, then I’m so far down the list of things he notices about me that it amounts to the same thing.
I tried to journal earlier and he was acting annoyed, so I stopped. Then I started again, because I’m allowed to process my own life even if it inconveniences him. I’m writing this now despite him.
My heart feels like an actual weight in my chest. Not a metaphor. A weight. I don’t have to decide anything tonight. I just have to get through tonight.
But I keep thinking about the version of me a year from now — still here, still waiting, still being reminded of all the ways I’m not quite enough yet. I don’t know what I owe her. But I think she’s the one my heart is actually breaking for.
