Sitting here watching the day slip by, eyes glazed over as CAD struggles to load. I hate when the files are this heavy—my hours bleeding away into the spinning wheel of death. I’d take physical work over this any day. Work that grounds me. Work that doesn’t leave my mind so much room to wander into places it shouldn’t go. Places I’ve been that have hurt others. Places my foolish heart still tries to convince me feel like home, even though Scripture warns that “the heart is deceitful above all things,” and I know there is nothing waiting for me in those corners but ruin. Lord, guard me here.
Still—I want to be grateful. And oh, do I have so much to be grateful for. My legs are wrecked today, almost refusing to move. I’d planned to climb, but I have no one to go with, and I can’t quite justify the drive for a quick session. So I’ll adjust. An at-home workout today, and maybe Saturday I can climb outside, then make Sunday a gym-and-thrift day. That actually sounds really nice.
I’m feeling low about how much I’ve been working and how much still isn’t getting done. Like a bad employee. A bad boss. When I throw a whole day at one thing, everything else slips—and when I try to split myself between them, nothing moves at all. I am burnt out beyond measure. I need to take real, concrete steps to get Mountain Marvel off my plate. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” That verse keeps finding me lately, and maybe it’s time I actually listen. It would be nice to stop feeling like a disappointment. To remember that my worth isn’t measured by my output, but by the One who already calls me His.
And then there’s you. I’ve been feeling so unattractive in your eyes lately. Our private life hasn’t been anywhere near what it normally is. You don’t look at me the way you do when love is sitting plainly on your face—lately it’s been that annoyed look, more often than not. This push and pull, this wax and wane, it hurts more than I let on. But I also know we are building a life together, and there will be many seasons like this one. “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.” A time to feel close, and a time to feel far. A time to be desired, and a time to wait. So I’ll keep doing my part—keep showing up, keep loving you, keep living this life we’ve chosen. Because love isn’t only the feeling; it’s the staying. And I plan to stay.